Blaming the Victim

Even though I check out of social media for the most part this weekend I still heard about Amber Head and Johnny Depp.  He now has domestic violence allegations against him.

While I know many group have been posting this already, but the moment Head came about about these allegations so many people immediately called her a liar, gold digger, an over dramatic woman and more and people wonder why domestic violence and sexual assault victims don’t come out?  We are constantly in fear of being blamed for what happened to us, to be called liars, whores, asking for it, gold diggers.  It took me a long time to get over that fear of being blamed for what someone chose to do to me and to be honest, sometimes I still feel that fear.

The only people who truly know what happened, or at least know the details pertaining to these allegations are Head, Depp, the police and the court.  Still, the media slants the story, putting out any scrap of information (whether it’s true or false) and our society lashes out against the victim with such fervor.  The funny thing is, no one questioned Depp, no one has called him a liar.  Just like no one called Cosby a liar or Patrick Kane a liar or Woody Allen or Ray Rice (until people actually saw a video) any other celebrity who faced sexual assault or domestic violence allegations.  Everyone always automatically assumes the victim is a liar.

Realistically, wouldn’t you think if someone actually perpetrated a crime they would be the ones lying about it?  Who had committed a crime where their victim publicly accused them and they just said “Yep.  It was me, I did it, I committed the crime.”  They would have more incentive to lie than a victim.

I know part if it is our societies inability to believe our idols or people who bring such joy to our lives whether it be an actor or musician or other performer.  I know it’s hard.  I know when Cosby was first accused there was a part of me that was really upset hearing that. I grew up watching his show and his comedy routines (which were pretty regularly quoted in my house throughout my childhood) and it was hard hearing that.  It even hurt a little, but no matter how shocked I was, I knew I couldn’t rule out the fact that he could be a criminal or that the victim is lying just because I liked who he played on TV.  That is ridiculous.  I knew everyone has the potential to be a criminal if they choose to commit a crime.

We have to learn as a society that we can’t just pick sides, we can’t throw potential victims under the bus by calling them liars but not consider that the alleged perpetrator is a liar just because we liked them in a movie or they play sports really well.  We have to realize that we don’t know the fact and every single time we lash out at an victim, every time we shut them down, call them a liar, a gold digger, a whore, or whatever other horrible names you can come up with you are immediately silencing other victims.  They see you destroying someone who is famous because you think you know them, what do you honestly think a “non-famous average person” victim expects you to do to them?  Consider how your actions impact those around you.  It is your choice to make a difference or follow ignorance and set that example for future generations.

How did I become an actvist?

Sorry for missing a blog last week!  I just moved into a new place and we are still getting settled!  It’s been a little stressful unpacking everything, but this has one of the best decisions I’ve made.  I’m having a complete blast with my partner and it’s been filled with new adventures!

I thought today I’d share why I became an activist.  It’s a question I get asked frequently.  Since I was a little girl, I was always trying to help someone or some animal.  However, I became very involved in college with anti-human trafficking efforts.

It started with a Gen Ed class that was one of my college requirements.  It was an Interdisciplinary Study and the professor decided the topic would be Human Rights, which was right up my alley.  She ended up having a founder of an international nonprofit come in to speak to us about Human Trafficking.  A branch of Women at Risk was located right down from the school and they were always looking for interns.  I needed an internship for my business degree.  Between that and the location, it was a perfect fit for me!

At this time, I was with my first ex partner as well so working with a ‘women’s issue’ I’d predominately be working with women so he couldn’t get jealous or angry at me.  My passion before trafficking was at-risk/gang affiliated youth, but there was the chance then that I’d have to work with men my age which could have caused a problem.

I learned so much about trafficking throughout my time at WAR.  Before this point in my life, I never even considered it a problem, especially in the United States and it is much more common that people think.  Just last week, a trafficker was arrested in Naperville, the same town I went to school in.  It’s affluent, low crime rates, safe, you’d never expect that to happen there.  The first thing I learned was that crime (domestic violence, sexual assault, trafficking etc.) doesn’t have a type of person it affects, it can impact anyone anywhere.

I received more training from local domestic violence/sexual assault shelters.  I completed my CSEC (Commercial Sexual Exploitation of a Child) training. As I explained in my story, the more  I began doing, the more I understood that my first relationship was abusive and realized much sooner that my second one was as well.

Another questions I get asked is were you nervous to speak out?  Young people approached me saying they don’t have the confidence to speak out about things they are passionate about.

Let me tell you, I was a very quiet young woman, I never wanted to offend, I never wanted to share my opinions.  I was so quiet in high school I had one friend who thought I couldn’t even speak, which is surprising considering I am a public speaker!   The more I worked with these social issues, the more I found my voice.  I didn’t want to remain silent when I had a voice and others had that ripped away from them.  In a way, I was probably feeling that same right taken from me in my personal relationships that I wanted to be able to use my voice somehow.

I became outspoken for women, for men, for the LGBTQ community, immigration reform, education reform….you name it.  Now, I not only have the confidence in my activism, but I also have that balance of confidence in my personal life, with my current partner.

My advice to every young person who comes up to me, nervous to speak their mind, I’ll be honest with you and tell you it takes time and there will be people who disagree with you and sometimes there will be people who are just mean and disrespectful.  Those are the people who you’ll never change their mind, and those are the people you just have to walk away from.  Don’t let them hurt you.  That’s something else I learned very quickly!

 

#maybehedoesnthityou / #maybeshedoesnthityou

A new hashtag trend has started to reaffirm the fact that intimate partner violence, abuse, doesn’t always have to be physical.  I can tell you from my experience, the things that hurt the most and have left the deepest cuts are all from the psychological abuse.

When my second ex would scream at me in front of his friend to humiliate me, degrade me that hurt so badly, it felt like I was being hit.  I could feel the pain from his words in my chest, making it harder to breathe, trying to hold back my tears, praying in my head that he would stop.  That was his greatest weapon against me, the words he used to beat me down.  They hurt and I am still healing from them.

Even with the physical abuse, it was still all about the psychological hits.  The bruises, cuts and sprains healed, but it was the fear that he’d lift his hand toward me again, it was the fear that he could lash out at me at any minute. He’d scream and call me names, spew hateful words saying that I deserved what I got.  Part of me wished he’d just hit me instead of saying what he did which sounds weird doesn’t it?  Words are powerful and they hurt.

I’ve met survivors, may survivors, that down play the abuse they went through.  They weren’t hit, they weren’t hospitalized, they weren’t raped and they compare their pain to other survivors. I always hear “well there are women who were hurt way worse than I was” or “There are women killed”.   Yes that is true there are women hospitalized, there are women who are killed, there are also men who face these exact same situations, but that doesn’t negate your pain, that doesn’t mean what you went through wasn’t proper abuse, didn’t hurt enough to be considered abuse.

We all have our stories, we all have different stories.  Yes, there will be some similarities, but we cannot compare our pain.  If an abuser controlled you through words, if they beat you with words that is abuse.  If they are overly critical, if they control what you wear, if they go through your phone/computer without permission, if they degrade you in public or private that is all abuse.  Your pain is just as valid and real as my pain, what I experienced both mentally and physically.  You have the right to get help if you need it during or after the abuse and you have the right to call it abuse.

I know it can be difficult as well to recognize nonphysical abuse as abuse.  I know that was my struggle with my first relationship.  It was hard for me to recognize that was sexual abuse because that’s never how it’s portrayed in movies or music or even in the news.  He did call me names yes, but it was the little things he did, the constant insults to my family, always saying I was overreacting whenever I was upset to make my feelings invalid, going through my phone without my consent, those are all controlling, abusive behaviors.  Sometimes it’s hard for a person’s mind to wrap around something like this because we get that being hit is wrong, one hit is wrong, but when does a fight cross the line into verbal/psychological abuse?  When there is a pattern of behavior designed to asset power and control over another person by degrading them, isolating them, hurting them, etc. that is what abuse is.

If you have questions about you or a friend, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me at reclaimingme1@gmail.com or if you have topics you’d like me to cover.  You can also talk to a counselor, local shelter, advocate.  Most local shelters have 24 hour hotlines so you don’t have to see anyone face to face if you feel more comfortable that way.  You can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or call the Rape Abuse Incest National Network (RAINN – 800-656-HOPE).  We are here for you.

Changes

Many of my blogs are about the struggles I go through, what I’ve been dealing with for the past year and a half.  The reason I choose to focus on that is because it isn’t talked about enough.  It’s not talked about enough in our communities and survivors need to know that they are ok, what they are experiencing is completely normal.

I want survivors to know that sometimes life can feel completely homeless, but it does get better.  You can get through this and you can heal.  The abuse we suffered is only one chapter in a giant book of our life.  As we move on, we grow, we heal, we change and new light is brought into our lives.

Within the past month so many things have happened.  I am now engaged to the man of my dreams, something I knew I wanted from the moment I met him, we just moved into our first condo together this past weekend and not only do I get him in the engagement, I also get his amazing family which now includes a little niece who was born in April!

One question I get often is if there is love after abuse and I can tell you without doubt there is.  Sometimes it may be  work-in-progress moments because of what we go through as we heal, but it is worth it.  My partner is so beyond supportive, there aren’t words enough for the things he does for me.  He listens to me every time I need him, he’ll call me if he ever things I’m upset, he helps me through triggers, he works through my anxiety and so much more.

While yes, we as survivors can heal on our own and I know that I am strong enough to do that, having a support system whether it is a partner, friends or family, that is something that every survivor needs when it gets hard.  I am lucky to have a great group of friends and family who support me like they do.  My partner is around most of my triggers due to the nature of our relationship and the amount of time we spend together.  Without his love and support, I think it would take me a lot longer to heal.  He is my hero.

Communication is the most important aspect to any relationship, but especially the ones we enter in after our abuse.  This is something I struggle with because so often I feel as though I’m being a problem, I’m causing and issue and, while my finance loves me and care for me as I should be loved and cared for, I’m still conditioned to fear a punishment.  That conditioning takes time to break.  We talk about everything and he makes sure we talk about it and that I always know he is there for me.

We had to have discussions about my triggers and my anxiety.  We had to figure out how to combat them, we had to learn what my triggers are.   It was a giant learning curve that took a while to get used to and to be quite honest, we’re in the process of not only learning what other couples learn when they first move in together, we’re in the process of learning about my abuse fall out.  That’s perfectly ok.  I know I’m healing and I know it’s getting better.

I wanted to share the happiness in my life with all of you.  I know it can get to the point where you feel completely out of control, helpless and hopeless.  Trust me, I still feel those moments at times where I just don’t see anything positive around me or in my life. I do want you to know that you can get through it.  Find the support groups in your life and remember, there is a massive community of survivors out there going through very similar things and we are all here to love and support each other.  Just adjust your sails and power through it.  You have the strength, courage and ability to conquer anything in your life and your abuser no longer holds control over you.  You got this ♥

If you have questions or a topic you’d like me to blog about, just email me at reclaimingme1@gmail.com